can;t feel no heartbeat.

I should be dealing with a lot of other things right now, I should not have the decency to blog such a long entry at a time like this,

but I should really let go, of what's weighting me down for the longest time.

I've been thinking for a long time if I should blog out this entry.

Blogging out means letting the world world know, but in the end, I decided I will.

Dear Daniel.

I could not even describe how I feel like right.

Never in my life, have I felt this way, even through my worst emotions, I never felt so weight down, so upset, so disappointed.

I just don't know what to feel or think about anymore.

So upset that the tears don't help anymore.

For the longest time, Lindis has been telling me convincing me,

You are not at all, ready for relationship.

After close to 10 months of living in denial and lies,

I believe it today, you are not ready for relationships, and the sacrifices that comes along in a relationship. And even the roles and responsibility of a boyfriend in a relationship.

I don't even know if it's worth putting myself through all this already.

I used to think it'll be worth it, you change, but you never did.

So when you can't change at all for me, does it makes sense for me to give up so much for you?

Loving you, hurts the people that loves me the most.

Thought they don't like you, but they are hurt, cos I love you.

Do you realize the impact and the consequences your causing.

I've lost so much friends.

Yet, it's all the sacrifices I made for love worth it?

I am to the extent of hurting the people that brought me up, fed me, and the ones that went through even more thick and thin with me.

What have you done, that is worthwhile enough for me?

It came to an extent and self realization for me, that I am actually teaching you how to be a boyfriend.

You know what you did wrong all this time?

*Complaining while at the same time sending me home is not showing your sincerity. It's showing your MISERY while being with me.

*Sending me home when you have car isn't what I want. And not sending me home at all, when we're taking public transport.

*Last time you sent me home with public transport is when you saw a friend sending his girlfriend home, when he stays west and she stays east; same situation.

So I guess, you didn't wanted yourself to look bad.

*When I'm having trouble and need your help a lot, where were you?

*I always came home with you, went to your area, though it's far. Since when you came over to my place and stay with me for the night anymore?

*For close to 10 months together, you never give me one thing at all.

You never give me Promises.

Promises will broke some day, but yet the promises allowed me to live in hope of you.

*You never even walk beside me that day or held my hands when we go out.

I was so scared.

Derrick did that to me, and one week later we broke up. Please prove that all Laus are not one of a kind.

Why did you let go of my tiny hands.

*You think you know when I will flare up, but the fact is you don't know.

My patience level was not high, but it has been, EXTREMELY high when I was with you.

Yet, whenever we go go, you irritate and tickle the hell of me,

I didn't get angry of blow up, cos I gave you what men always want;

FACE

*When I wake up on anniversary dates, you don't even wish me.

*You never fetch me from school anymore, or even fetch me to work.

It makes me speechless when my work friends ask.

*I change and took the effort to come to your school after you said I didn't and find you and you take it for granted.

*I skip class one Tuesday to make you lunch, when did you show me you really appreciate it?

*You don't bother to show everyone how much you love me. You don

You don't bother to show me how much you love me.

You don't bother cos every time your too lazy, too tired, too involved in other things to bother.

You don't bother to hold me back each time I walk away from you..

You just don't bother about anything except yourself.

Maybe you wanna ask my girls what I went through to get you the itouch.

I owe Mr Lim $1260, not $200.

Maybe you wanna ask around, thought I earn $2400, I have so much debts to clear at home for them.

But to make you happy, and cos I know youd love it, I thought spending close to $500 is worth it cos money did not matter.

I thought, what makes you happy matters. It was your birthday present anyway.

And I don't even see you protecting the itouch.

You don't show me, how much it means to you.

When your friend spoil it, you don't feel it, I do.

Cos after clearing all the debts, finally yesterday, I have no more money to eat.

You don't know and you don't bother.

You know what I want?

You know what I always wanted?

*I want you, to take long bus rides with me and send me home. Even if we have to go home at 7pm, as long as you send me home, means we can spend more time together. You never knew that. I stay out late with you, to spend more time with you, but you were to send me home, we could go off early.

*I want you to surprise me, wait outside my work place for me. Or even fetch me after school to work, like what normal boyfriends do. You used to complain it was too far at siglap, now it's at Esplanade, you got 3 direct buses there, and I know you still have excuses.

*I want you to do things for me without being asked.

*I want you to know, that texting me you miss me does not mean you miss me. Texting me all the time does not show that you love me. SMS means nothing.

You PROVE it.

*I want you to take the initiative to take pictures with me

*I want you to bring me out to have a nice meal not foodcourt. I hate foodcourt but I eat cos you always say your broke.

*I want you, to always tell me how you feel, even if it means we will end up fighting. Cos I will understand your feelings.

*I want you not only to prove to me, but to everyone else, how much you love me.

*I want you, to make that effort so that my family and friends won't hate you. Cos to you, you don't bother.

I made that effort to talk to your mom. To have small chit chats. I did try very hard.

*I want you, to remember anniversaries and just give me a text. Even if we did not go out.

*I want you, to always hold me back when I walk away.

*I want you, to be there whenever I need you.

*I want you, to show me how much you do need me in your life. Cos I don't see that you need me at all.

* I want you, to stop pretending like you know a lot of thing, cos it actual fact, you only act like you know. Don't Deny!

*I want you, to let me have fun with you, play make up. girly stuff with me.

*I want you, to call me and chat to make sure I am fine. Not just SMS. It's not making effort.

*I want you, to call me when I am going home on my own until I get home, just to make sure I am safe.

You don't even panic when I told you I was surround by bangla and even said I deserved it.

*I want you, to not let go of my hands.

*I want you, to not irritate me when we go out.

*I want you, to coax me whenever I am angry with you.

*I want you, to get worried and keep texting or even call me when I never reply.

*I want you, to buy more things that are same with me, once in a while.

*I want you to come to my house and talk things with me, when we argue or what I ignore you and you cannot find me. LIKE A NORMAL BOYFRIEND WOULD DO..

*I want you, to always tag my blog to let me know you do read, and drop me lots of facebooks comments.

*I want you, to blog more about our outings to prove that you appreciate those times.

*I want you to give me promises you can keep and let me live in hope of you and you have to keep those promises.

There is so much more.

I don't even why you still don't get it.

I don't even know why after so much agony, you can't do things a normal boyfriends would do.

I don't know what I do, say anymore.

I'm not going to do anything anymore, the rest is your response.

Same sentence same thing, I did tried my best.

Hate,

Tammy

People, I let you all judge, why my love life always so shitty.

When life and love will be kind to me.