did you notice that i'm gone?

Before I start blogging, here a thought..

people are so judgmental and irritating.

I appreciate each and every girlies I have who talked to me and gave me all the advices in the world.

for all this, i thank you from the bottom on my heart.

but someone explain to me, what benefit you for you to judge me and tell me exactly what to do?

i mean, this is my life, my love. still.

i appreciate ADVICES.

Not people telling me exactly what to do and to let go.

Since when people will say the things Cheryl once said to me?

"Take my time to move on?"

I mean, if you know me.

this is the way I am.

I like to be miserable and emo when I am this way.

I can't change this, cos everyone have their way of expressing emotions and sadness.

This is my way, to smoke and drink. and cry and show everyone my fuck face.

Happy?

Everyone have their way.

Some hides it.

I like to show how miserable I am.

not to seek attention or people to pity me.

This is me.

So what? It made me feel better so you cansuck my balls.

All the people can tell me to move on, ditch it, find a new guy,

But ask yourself, girls.

Not many can move in fast like you do.

Can you find the decency to do the things you told me if you were in my shoes?

If yes, good for you and fuck off from my blog.

If no, the you know how I feel.

If you wanna judge I am foolish.

Then why are you the foolish one getting yourself pissed off by reading my fucking foolish blog?

Fuck off from it then.

I'm pathetic now.

Accept it.

I like to be emo, miserable and blog what and all I feel.

This is me.

Stop that judgmental thinking,

Buay tahan then unfollow me in twitter, stop reading.

Your guys are getting pissed off cos you choose to read my blog.

If you are really my friend, you let me be miserable.

Cos Derrick is like this.

Daniel will be.

Cos I am like this.

Get it or not?

*

another day goes by that i fall apart, can’t stop thinking about you. I completely wore myself out crying all day. it was just one of those days. i hate this. i hate all of this. i want this to get better. i wish there was something more that i could do. you’re never going to understand, or see this in any other way. you’re wrong. for everything. i wish you weren’t so dumb and could see that for yourself. or admit it.

i miss you.

*

4 Feb, Day 1

10:14

last message

"Morning Baby"

And everything slipped away cos I let it.

15:54

"Nah, tmlI bring your things to school, so late"

Me: I don't care

16:01

"Okay,suit yourself,i don want you too tired only.

Tammy, DONT BE SOFT HEARTED and DONT CRY.

I gritted my teeth and replied : It doesn't matter, I can cab home

16:24

"It matters to me, later the cab duno go where"

Hit me hard in the face, but yet: Fine, bring to school then, why I waste my money one those cab.

Went to school and smile.

Thanks girls.

But I am sad and miserable.

I don't want to cry in front of anyone.

Except when I am alone.

I don't want to cry in front of anyone anymore.

Work.

Cut finger.

Work, giddy.

Home.

Felt even worst.

I never close this msn window.

it is still there on the space of my mac.

Never will close and never will off my com.

So it makes me better just by reading it.

Felt miserable.

I cried so bad, but I told myself not to be soft hearted.

I don't want the same pain he will bring me.

I want him to really change.

I was surprised he would say this.

Mad surprised.

All I could said was "OK"

Everything was not.

5 Feb, Day 2.

Woke up. Check phone.

No text.

Hit in the face by reality.

Gone.

Time check, 10am

11:46

"You want your things or next time"

I stoned,

And Said

"I want them, why I want to keep them with you"

11:48

"Then I now pass to you"

11:48

"Mayb later,i go do things first"

13:48

"Erm you work now? I now come lo"

13:50

"Then you want meet me where?"

13:54

"Got such place? The mama shop?"

14:01

"I try walk and see"

14:05

"Piang eh,I stuck in the rain"

While waiting, I can't breath,

Took my thing, returned his.

And walk off.

I can't look at his face cos I know I will cry, badly.

I walked as fast as my spoilt legs could bring me,

took a glance, I saw no one.

I cried on 963.

Can't describe the pain of walk away.

But I know walking away, means walking away from more pain.

Sucks.

Went to Bukit Panjang to meet my cousin.

16:29

"Hey,you got get wet mah.here like rain until so heavy sia"

I was glad, very glad to receive that message.

5 min later at the bus stop in front of BPP,

I saw that car drove past.

I saw that guy in the car.

I froze in the cold and freeze.

I stood and stare at the car pass me by.

17:18

"You ah.don catch cold better"

I can't do this, at all

It hurts so much.

我不懂为什么 付出的全落空

6 Feb, Day 3

Woke up and check phone.

How nice will it be to get a text.

I must not give in.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Went wok yesterday, I was chatting with my greatest love advisor, YaoHong.

And pull her in a corner and said

"I broke up with him"

And she nearly dropped our tray.

I smiled. A little.

And she just stared and stared.

And I nodded.

Eyes wetting.

And she nodded too.

After work, we took a walk in esplanade park.

She told me something different from anyone on the world.

"I know you like my sister. If you need to run back to him, go ahead, cos this is your love life, not anyone else's. All the people in the world including me can give you all the best advices in the world. Your girlfriends had already done so.

By the end of the day, I know you are the one deciding for all this in the long run.

Listen to what you have to do and what you want to do.

I know you miss him.

Let each other think and cool down, I'm sure he will think too

Ignore what the world has to say, including mine, listen only to yourself"

I felt this sense of gratitude I never felt before.

She knows me well.

Very well.

To know how I want to deal with this,

Cos believe it or not.

She went through exactly the same thing.

We are facing a break up together now.

Thanks so much, for crying with me.

I feel your pain.

Right now.

"You" obviously cannot fulfill the things you have promised.

Otherwise, things wouldn't be the way they are now.

I guess I need my time to quiet down and think what I really want.

Physical you.

Or a you that change and love me whole heartedly without your bochup-ness,

And to think if I have you back, will I go through the same pain over again.

And I think you too, need to reflect and think about all your doing in the relationship.

I spoon-fed you too much, and I guess I am too part of the cause of all this.

And you, need to reflect and think about the love we used to share & the love I used to shower you.

And be the man I know you truly can be.

I hope to you, this is not the end.

There are so many things I wished to say to you.

Now is not the right time and my blog may not be the right place.

This is not the end of my love for you.

I loved you, even at your worst.

Now, you time to do your best.

Or maybe, you don't even want to do anything at all.

I hope for the day.

When I could sit and talk to you.

And so the things we ever wanted to do so much.

I can wait, 5 years, 10 years.

As long your love don't fade.

But if you never change.

The years don't mean a thing.

See you around.