did you notice that i'm gone?

Before I start blogging, here a thought..

people are so judgmental and irritating.

I appreciate each and every girlies I have who talked to me and gave me all the advices in the world.

for all this, i thank you from the bottom on my heart.

but someone explain to me, what benefit you for you to judge me and tell me exactly what to do?

i mean, this is my life, my love. still.

i appreciate ADVICES.

Not people telling me exactly what to do and to let go.

Since when people will say the things Cheryl once said to me?

"Take my time to move on?"

I mean, if you know me.

this is the way I am.

I like to be miserable and emo when I am this way.

I can't change this, cos everyone have their way of expressing emotions and sadness.

This is my way, to smoke and drink. and cry and show everyone my fuck face.

Happy?

Everyone have their way.

Some hides it.

I like to show how miserable I am.

not to seek attention or people to pity me.

This is me.

So what? It made me feel better so you cansuck my balls.

All the people can tell me to move on, ditch it, find a new guy,

But ask yourself, girls.

Not many can move in fast like you do.

Can you find the decency to do the things you told me if you were in my shoes?

If yes, good for you and fuck off from my blog.

If no, the you know how I feel.

If you wanna judge I am foolish.

Then why are you the foolish one getting yourself pissed off by reading my fucking foolish blog?

Fuck off from it then.

I'm pathetic now.

Accept it.

I like to be emo, miserable and blog what and all I feel.

This is me.

Stop that judgmental thinking,

Buay tahan then unfollow me in twitter, stop reading.

Your guys are getting pissed off cos you choose to read my blog.

If you are really my friend, you let me be miserable.

Cos Derrick is like this.

Daniel will be.

Cos I am like this.

Get it or not?

*

another day goes by that i fall apart, can’t stop thinking about you. I completely wore myself out crying all day. it was just one of those days. i hate this. i hate all of this. i want this to get better. i wish there was something more that i could do. you’re never going to understand, or see this in any other way. you’re wrong. for everything. i wish you weren’t so dumb and could see that for yourself. or admit it.

i miss you.

*

4 Feb, Day 1

10:14

last message

"Morning Baby"

And everything slipped away cos I let it.

15:54

"Nah, tmlI bring your things to school, so late"

Me: I don't care

16:01

"Okay,suit yourself,i don want you too tired only.

Tammy, DONT BE SOFT HEARTED and DONT CRY.

I gritted my teeth and replied : It doesn't matter, I can cab home

16:24

"It matters to me, later the cab duno go where"

Hit me hard in the face, but yet: Fine, bring to school then, why I waste my money one those cab.

Went to school and smile.

Thanks girls.

But I am sad and miserable.

I don't want to cry in front of anyone.

Except when I am alone.

I don't want to cry in front of anyone anymore.

Work.

Cut finger.

Work, giddy.

Home.

Felt even worst.

I never close this msn window.

it is still there on the space of my mac.

Never will close and never will off my com.

So it makes me better just by reading it.

Felt miserable.

I cried so bad, but I told myself not to be soft hearted.

I don't want the same pain he will bring me.

I want him to really change.

I was surprised he would say this.

Mad surprised.

All I could said was "OK"

Everything was not.

5 Feb, Day 2.

Woke up. Check phone.

No text.

Hit in the face by reality.

Gone.

Time check, 10am

11:46

"You want your things or next time"

I stoned,

And Said

"I want them, why I want to keep them with you"

11:48

"Then I now pass to you"

11:48

"Mayb later,i go do things first"

13:48

"Erm you work now? I now come lo"

13:50

"Then you want meet me where?"

13:54

"Got such place? The mama shop?"

14:01

"I try walk and see"

14:05

"Piang eh,I stuck in the rain"

While waiting, I can't breath,

Took my thing, returned his.

And walk off.

I can't look at his face cos I know I will cry, badly.

I walked as fast as my spoilt legs could bring me,

took a glance, I saw no one.

I cried on 963.

Can't describe the pain of walk away.

But I know walking away, means walking away from more pain.

Sucks.

Went to Bukit Panjang to meet my cousin.

16:29

"Hey,you got get wet mah.here like rain until so heavy sia"

I was glad, very glad to receive that message.

5 min later at the bus stop in front of BPP,

I saw that car drove past.

I saw that guy in the car.

I froze in the cold and freeze.

I stood and stare at the car pass me by.

17:18

"You ah.don catch cold better"

I can't do this, at all

It hurts so much.

我不懂为什么 付出的全落空

6 Feb, Day 3

Woke up and check phone.

How nice will it be to get a text.

I must not give in.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Went wok yesterday, I was chatting with my greatest love advisor, YaoHong.

And pull her in a corner and said

"I broke up with him"

And she nearly dropped our tray.

I smiled. A little.

And she just stared and stared.

And I nodded.

Eyes wetting.

And she nodded too.

After work, we took a walk in esplanade park.

She told me something different from anyone on the world.

"I know you like my sister. If you need to run back to him, go ahead, cos this is your love life, not anyone else's. All the people in the world including me can give you all the best advices in the world. Your girlfriends had already done so.

By the end of the day, I know you are the one deciding for all this in the long run.

Listen to what you have to do and what you want to do.

I know you miss him.

Let each other think and cool down, I'm sure he will think too

Ignore what the world has to say, including mine, listen only to yourself"

I felt this sense of gratitude I never felt before.

She knows me well.

Very well.

To know how I want to deal with this,

Cos believe it or not.

She went through exactly the same thing.

We are facing a break up together now.

Thanks so much, for crying with me.

I feel your pain.

Right now.

"You" obviously cannot fulfill the things you have promised.

Otherwise, things wouldn't be the way they are now.

I guess I need my time to quiet down and think what I really want.

Physical you.

Or a you that change and love me whole heartedly without your bochup-ness,

And to think if I have you back, will I go through the same pain over again.

And I think you too, need to reflect and think about all your doing in the relationship.

I spoon-fed you too much, and I guess I am too part of the cause of all this.

And you, need to reflect and think about the love we used to share & the love I used to shower you.

And be the man I know you truly can be.

I hope to you, this is not the end.

There are so many things I wished to say to you.

Now is not the right time and my blog may not be the right place.

This is not the end of my love for you.

I loved you, even at your worst.

Now, you time to do your best.

Or maybe, you don't even want to do anything at all.

I hope for the day.

When I could sit and talk to you.

And so the things we ever wanted to do so much.

I can wait, 5 years, 10 years.

As long your love don't fade.

But if you never change.

The years don't mean a thing.

See you around.

Eu ainda amo-o

Maybe one day,
I will blog our story here.
& Explain all over again,

Why I choose to let go of the person, i love and cared so much.
And simply can't live or breathe without.

Right now,
Let me breath & indulge in the pain,
the pain to show my presence.

Maybe,
one day,
I will hold you back in my arms.
If you change the world.

Right now.
I shall wash my face with tears each night.

I'm happy.
But yet, a lil' empty.

I know my girlfriends, everyone of them, won't judge me much.
And so much will say
"I told you so"

I

f you think I never miss you, I did.
If you think it didn't hurt me, it did.
If you think I am happy, I am.
If you think I don't love you anymore, search your heart for all the things I did.
If you think there is no hope, then you have really given up.

Like I keep saying,
I've done my part, now it's your turn.

It's time for you to learn, how to treasure.
How to love.
How to not always put yourself above all.
How to cherish.
& be that man, I know you truly can be.

I'm drained,
I guess you are too.

If you think only your world crashed think again.
Who is the one dying to spend CNY and V Day with you.
Who is so looking forward to our supposed 1 year and my birthday.

It was never easy.
To love and leave.

It hurts.
And it took me weeks and huge amount of courage.
And it took me even more, not to cry, even if I am on the verge.

I will pull through this.
till we meet again, or may not.

At this, I will still move on.
And will still accept, someone worthy.
If you think you can, don't give up.

I can't allow myself,
to let you keep me in suicide.
To kill me slowly.
To ruin me.

Change, not for me.
For yourself.

We'll talk, someday.



P.S. Thanks for telling me you missed me, At least 10 months wasn't and I realized only today, I dox mean something to you,

cry me out

Maybe I wasn’t asking you to love me. Maybe I was asking you to understand. Because for so long, I’ve been hurt. and for so long you’ve ignored it. And maybe its bad timing, or maybe you just don’t care. I’ve been here all along waiting, waiting for you to notice. Waiting for you to care. Waiting for you to say that you’ve been waiting too, and you haven’t. And maybe you never will or maybe you’re just afraid to. But it still hurts all he same. And in the end, I’m the one that’s left broken. And when i lay down to sleep, I’m still the one crying. So screw the bad timing. I’ve loved you then, like i love you now, like i probably always will.

*

Its the silence that tells it all. Sometimes its not about the yelling and the tears. All it takes is for two people to sit beside each other and feel that something is wrong; that what was there isn’t there now. That they’re miserable when they’re apart but they’re much worse when they are together. And that there’s only two options left. Either they sit still and ignore the pain or one of them gathers enough courage to stand up and walk away.

*

If you are not sure where you stand in someone’s life, its best to leave things behind so that if they drop you off, it will be easier to forget them. Don’t waste time waiting for nothing. When efforts are not recognized, its best to just give things up. You’ve done your part let them do theirs.

*

Don’t be scared that you won’t find anyone else who will love you. Because you will when the time is right. Give yourself the chance to be happy even if it means letting go of something seemingly good. Changes can be hard at the start, but it doesn’t mean that if things change, it will always be for the worse. It will be hard at the start, but it would definitely get better someday.

*

It hurts to be rejected by someone you like. But believe me. It hurts ten times more to be turned away by someone who once swear undying love for you.

＊

Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them. No matter how much you don’t want them to. There are some things that are far beyond our control. And even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold, harsh truth. That the people you can’t live without, can live without you.

:)

happiness is spelt with them around.

xoxo

I wished all guys knew this...

----LIST OF THINGS GIRLS WISH GUYS KNEW----

1. Don't think that just because you didn't tell us we are never going to find out.

2. Our friends know EVERYTHING.

3. EVERYTHING said to our friends will be told to us. Garranteed.

4. No matter what we say, we hate your ex-girlfriend.

5. We check our phones every hour to see if you have replied to our texts, then worry if you haven't.

6. The fact you might leave us for another girl keeps us up at night.

7. When we're not talking to you on MSN, we're actually waiting for you to talk to us (in a non-snobby way, we want to see if you still care enough to talk to us).

8. When we act sad, we want you to hug us.

9. Our favourite part of the MSN convo is at the end when you say good bye, because that's the part you say you love us.

10. We actually freak out on what to do during holidays like Valentines Day.

11. We don't care what our friends think of you, but we do care what your friends think of us.

12. Yes, you might be the reason we failed that Maths test.

13. We are very, very scared of scaring you away.

14. We don't care about what we talk about, just as long as we have your attention for a few minutes.

15. Of course, we do believe the crap we read in magazines.

16. We have mood swings. Get over it.

17. Everytime you're around other girls, we worry they are better than us.

18. We don't want to hear how cool your ex-girlfriend/neighbour/best gal friend is.

19. Movies like 'He's Just Not That Into You' depress us.

20. We will move mountains on our timetable if it means seeing you.

21. We compare every other guy to you, and you always come out best.

22. We hate it when you go to discos without us.

23. We hate feeling as if we are like any other girl.

24. Don't brag about other girls liking you, it just makes us insecure.

25. When we say everything is 'fine', it generally means everything is absolutely horrible and we are on the brink of falling to pieces.

26. Don't just say 'ok' when we say we don't want to talk about it.

27. If you want to know something about us, ask our best friend.

28. If you do not hug us, we will not kiss you.

29. We think you are the best guy in the world.

30. We.Will.Kill.You.If.We.See.You.Slow.Dancing.With.Another.Girl.Without.Telling.Us.

31. We really do want you to stick up for us.

32. Compliments. We love them.

33. Be on time. We will think you don't care if you're not on time at a certain place.

34. Whether you say (L) or luv or love does matter.

35. We don't care if you couldn't come on that date because of the most embarrassing reason in the world, just don't lie to us.

36. We like cuddling up to you so let us.

37. Silent Treatment + Short Answers + Not Smiling or Laughing + Evil Looks = YOU DID SOMETHING WRONG.

38. You will be classed in our 'Hate' list if you forget our birthday.

39. Do not ask what's wrong. We'll never tell you we just want you to cuddle us.

40. You need to tell us what you think of us, we don't make assumptions (apart from 'OMG HE'S GONE OFF ME HASN'T HE?!')

41. Telling us that we are pretty will mean absolute LOADS.

42. Do not make fun of us unless we are in a good mood. As insecure as girls go, we take these things very seriously.

43. If you do end up doing Number 42, you just have to hope we aren't in a bad mood.

44. Saying something sweet MIGHT get you off the hook. Doing something sweet will ALWAYS get you off the hook.

45. We never forget things. Ever.

46. We over-analyze everything.

47. We over-react to everything.

48. When we are mad at you, we aren't actually mad at you we just want you to apologize so we can start showing we like you again.

49. Please don't stand 384931491329403 feet away from us. Even if we are scary.

50. Please acknowledge that when we are online when you sign in, we probably have waited ages for you to come online so please make it worthwhile.

51. We do not care if 50 000 other guys declared their love for us if you never do it none of it matters.

52. We don't like being used.

53. We like it when you do un-expected nice things.

54. We usually don't let just any guy make us cry, so if you make us cry, damnnn you must have done something bad...

55. This is the way it works: You don't give us any attention, we dump you. It is NOT: You don't give us any attention, we chase after you. Deal with it.

56. We like it when you are protective of us. It makes us feel special.

57. Unless she is a moronic idiot, a girl who truly loves you will love you for a long, long time.

58. When we come back from a holiday and brag about how awesome it was, during the entire time there we were probably thinking about you. A lot.

59. No matter where we are or what we are doing, we really want you to hold our hand.

60. And please for the love of god shut up about how fit other girls are. You know we like you and the fact you do this despite you knowing how we feel is just evil.

I wanted you

I wanted you to be there when I fall

I wanted you to see me through it all

I wanted you to be the one I love

I wanted you to hold me in my sleep

I wanted you to show me what I need

I wanted you to know just how down deep

If I said this coming Valentine's Day meant a lot to me, will you even plan something special for me?

Will you choose to leave your family a while just for me?

Can I be fucking more important that ANYTHING else for once?

Have you ever love someone so so much, but yet deep down inside you know that he isn't and can't be the one you wanna spend your whole lifetime with?

I am feeling this right now.

There is no more reason for me to hold on anymore.
I'm mad tired of this love.

Rather it's killing me.

你，不会爱。

我听着你说爱我，

感觉却不是感动。

我想你真的爱我，

单我耶真的很痛。

那里才会有里开你的出口，
离开以后能往那里走？

怎么会， 爱只剩着一些？

bliss.

Ally's Birthday

Awesome.

I love them a lot and sure wants the best for them.
Though sometimes I'm mean or so, but I still do love them.

*

Slacking at James' with Dee was awesome.
Baby came too.
Midnight swimming plus heart to heart chat with sexy Dee.
wished my darlings were here very much.


I love my big neh neh.

Singapore Flyer - An experience of a lifetime..

MY Favorite girls.




heats this picture.


A good experience, still scary.
I'm the scary cats of heights.
The rest are so not scared lo.


Filled with ITE clementi people leh!




Excited yet scared me.


Capsule.


Mira and me.


A freaked out kayu and me !
omgomg, we're boarding!


All aboard!







Flyer is love with the girls.


*Baby's Supper *

Baby brought me supper after work.
Love love!!

:)

Thanks baby, love and appreciate it!
Not bad, baby can cook :)


*Victoria Secrets*

PArt of my shipping arrived!
Make up and undies!


Luminous shadow.



Chio like mad gloss palette.


Wet/Dry Bronze shadow.


Lips and cheek tin :)


Candy pink gloss.


And all my lovely undies, cute right.

**

Did my nails at Junying.
Love them

Visit her blog!
Shes super friendly and nice!!!!

http://thistlebellenail.blogspot.com/


need to work so cant have crazy nails :(



Night u all people.
xoxo

will you?

Will you still love me even if I’m not perfect? Will you still love me even if I’m not the kind of person you wished I were? Will you still look into my eyes with warmth even if you saw my shadows? Will you still hold my hand even if you knew there will be times I’d let you down?

For though I yearn to take care of you as I should, though I desire to love you with a love that never falters and fades, my knees tremble this very moment that you hold me in your arms.

Shall I kiss you? Shall I hold your hand and bask in the light of your spirit knowing that I have my darkness, knowing there will be times that the light of my love will sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness that is in me?

Sometimes I’d be silent and I might bore you. I may not laugh at your jokes, and you may not understand the spell that’s enshrouding me. Sometimes I’d get troubled and I’d fail to put into words what the hell it is that troubles me. I wouldn’t be good company then, and I couldn’t make you smile.

Sometimes I’d get moody and I might not enjoy the things you’d like us to do together. Sometimes I’d lose my temper and I’d no longer act like the fine person who stands before you today. Sometimes I’d get jealous and I might say things I don’t really mean. Sometimes I’d talk too much that I might drive you away.

Sometimed I’d get touchy and I’d get easily hurt. And no matter how mature I try to be, at times I’d act in childish ways. I’d demand things I shouldn’t, I’d say thing I shouldn’t say. And no matter how much I desire to protect you and make you happy, sometimes I’d be the one who’d cause you the most pain.

If you will love me I cannot promise you that I will not hurt you. I cannot promise you that I will not make you cry and that I’ll never break your heart. But if you will love me, I will bare my whole self naked before you, and I will reveal to you my soul. If you will love me, you can be certain that it is I that you will love, not a mask that fools you and gives you only what your eyes desire to see. If you will love me, you can be certain that you will love the depths of me, all of me that is in me, and I in turn will love you with all of me, with all my soul, with all my mind, with all my spirit, with all my flaws and beauty, and with all my very heart.

can;t feel no heartbeat.

I should be dealing with a lot of other things right now, I should not have the decency to blog such a long entry at a time like this,

but I should really let go, of what's weighting me down for the longest time.

I've been thinking for a long time if I should blog out this entry.

Blogging out means letting the world world know, but in the end, I decided I will.

Dear Daniel.

I could not even describe how I feel like right.

Never in my life, have I felt this way, even through my worst emotions, I never felt so weight down, so upset, so disappointed.

I just don't know what to feel or think about anymore.

So upset that the tears don't help anymore.

For the longest time, Lindis has been telling me convincing me,

You are not at all, ready for relationship.

After close to 10 months of living in denial and lies,

I believe it today, you are not ready for relationships, and the sacrifices that comes along in a relationship. And even the roles and responsibility of a boyfriend in a relationship.

I don't even know if it's worth putting myself through all this already.

I used to think it'll be worth it, you change, but you never did.

So when you can't change at all for me, does it makes sense for me to give up so much for you?

Loving you, hurts the people that loves me the most.

Thought they don't like you, but they are hurt, cos I love you.

Do you realize the impact and the consequences your causing.

I've lost so much friends.

Yet, it's all the sacrifices I made for love worth it?

I am to the extent of hurting the people that brought me up, fed me, and the ones that went through even more thick and thin with me.

What have you done, that is worthwhile enough for me?

It came to an extent and self realization for me, that I am actually teaching you how to be a boyfriend.

You know what you did wrong all this time?

*Complaining while at the same time sending me home is not showing your sincerity. It's showing your MISERY while being with me.

*Sending me home when you have car isn't what I want. And not sending me home at all, when we're taking public transport.

*Last time you sent me home with public transport is when you saw a friend sending his girlfriend home, when he stays west and she stays east; same situation.

So I guess, you didn't wanted yourself to look bad.

*When I'm having trouble and need your help a lot, where were you?

*I always came home with you, went to your area, though it's far. Since when you came over to my place and stay with me for the night anymore?

*For close to 10 months together, you never give me one thing at all.

You never give me Promises.

Promises will broke some day, but yet the promises allowed me to live in hope of you.

*You never even walk beside me that day or held my hands when we go out.

I was so scared.

Derrick did that to me, and one week later we broke up. Please prove that all Laus are not one of a kind.

Why did you let go of my tiny hands.

*You think you know when I will flare up, but the fact is you don't know.

My patience level was not high, but it has been, EXTREMELY high when I was with you.

Yet, whenever we go go, you irritate and tickle the hell of me,

I didn't get angry of blow up, cos I gave you what men always want;

FACE

*When I wake up on anniversary dates, you don't even wish me.

*You never fetch me from school anymore, or even fetch me to work.

It makes me speechless when my work friends ask.

*I change and took the effort to come to your school after you said I didn't and find you and you take it for granted.

*I skip class one Tuesday to make you lunch, when did you show me you really appreciate it?

*You don't bother to show everyone how much you love me. You don

You don't bother to show me how much you love me.

You don't bother cos every time your too lazy, too tired, too involved in other things to bother.

You don't bother to hold me back each time I walk away from you..

You just don't bother about anything except yourself.

Maybe you wanna ask my girls what I went through to get you the itouch.

I owe Mr Lim $1260, not $200.

Maybe you wanna ask around, thought I earn $2400, I have so much debts to clear at home for them.

But to make you happy, and cos I know youd love it, I thought spending close to $500 is worth it cos money did not matter.

I thought, what makes you happy matters. It was your birthday present anyway.

And I don't even see you protecting the itouch.

You don't show me, how much it means to you.

When your friend spoil it, you don't feel it, I do.

Cos after clearing all the debts, finally yesterday, I have no more money to eat.

You don't know and you don't bother.

You know what I want?

You know what I always wanted?

*I want you, to take long bus rides with me and send me home. Even if we have to go home at 7pm, as long as you send me home, means we can spend more time together. You never knew that. I stay out late with you, to spend more time with you, but you were to send me home, we could go off early.

*I want you to surprise me, wait outside my work place for me. Or even fetch me after school to work, like what normal boyfriends do. You used to complain it was too far at siglap, now it's at Esplanade, you got 3 direct buses there, and I know you still have excuses.

*I want you to do things for me without being asked.

*I want you to know, that texting me you miss me does not mean you miss me. Texting me all the time does not show that you love me. SMS means nothing.

You PROVE it.

*I want you to take the initiative to take pictures with me

*I want you to bring me out to have a nice meal not foodcourt. I hate foodcourt but I eat cos you always say your broke.

*I want you, to always tell me how you feel, even if it means we will end up fighting. Cos I will understand your feelings.

*I want you not only to prove to me, but to everyone else, how much you love me.

*I want you, to make that effort so that my family and friends won't hate you. Cos to you, you don't bother.

I made that effort to talk to your mom. To have small chit chats. I did try very hard.

*I want you, to remember anniversaries and just give me a text. Even if we did not go out.

*I want you, to always hold me back when I walk away.

*I want you, to be there whenever I need you.

*I want you, to show me how much you do need me in your life. Cos I don't see that you need me at all.

* I want you, to stop pretending like you know a lot of thing, cos it actual fact, you only act like you know. Don't Deny!

*I want you, to let me have fun with you, play make up. girly stuff with me.

*I want you, to call me and chat to make sure I am fine. Not just SMS. It's not making effort.

*I want you, to call me when I am going home on my own until I get home, just to make sure I am safe.

You don't even panic when I told you I was surround by bangla and even said I deserved it.

*I want you, to not let go of my hands.

*I want you, to not irritate me when we go out.

*I want you, to coax me whenever I am angry with you.

*I want you, to get worried and keep texting or even call me when I never reply.

*I want you, to buy more things that are same with me, once in a while.

*I want you to come to my house and talk things with me, when we argue or what I ignore you and you cannot find me. LIKE A NORMAL BOYFRIEND WOULD DO..

*I want you, to always tag my blog to let me know you do read, and drop me lots of facebooks comments.

*I want you, to blog more about our outings to prove that you appreciate those times.

*I want you to give me promises you can keep and let me live in hope of you and you have to keep those promises.

There is so much more.

I don't even why you still don't get it.

I don't even know why after so much agony, you can't do things a normal boyfriends would do.

I don't know what I do, say anymore.

I'm not going to do anything anymore, the rest is your response.

Same sentence same thing, I did tried my best.

Hate,

Tammy

People, I let you all judge, why my love life always so shitty.

When life and love will be kind to me.